call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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