I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize