Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
