Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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