I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
