Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
