Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
