Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
