I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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