every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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