so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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