This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
