ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
