Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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