Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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