who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
