she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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