so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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