No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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