It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
