you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
