are you so shy because you have an std?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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