I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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