Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
