I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
