I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
