Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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