I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
