Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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