i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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