I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
