new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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