bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
