shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
