I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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