apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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