Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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