I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
