the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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