I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Randomize
