Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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