Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
