i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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