Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
