Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
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