I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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