My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
