Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
