seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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