Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
