Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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