i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
