No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So gin and wine won't be happening again
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize