you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
