If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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