I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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