i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
