Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
