someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I want to fling myself into the sun
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
