i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
