The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
3 2 1 whiskey
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
