i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
