were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
